Wednesday, August 02, 2006

time to cancel the policy?

We've all heard it said a million times that honesty is the best policy, but is it really? Sure, it's good to tell the truth most of the time, but is it always best to be completely honest with another person in every situation? Let's think about it.

For our first scenario, we'll use an incident that occurred in my last relationship (I say "last" like there's been so many). My girlfriend at the time (we'll call her "Jessica"), got her hair cut a month or so into the relationship. While it wasn't a drastic change in length, to me at least it was a pretty big change in her "look." When I saw the new 'do, she asked me immediately if I liked it. I thought for a second and said something along the lines of, "I'm not sure yet. I definitely don't dislike it or think it looks bad, but I liked your old haircut a lot and this one's going to take some getting used to." Obviously, that wasn't the answer she was looking for. She wanted me to simply say, "It looks great. I love it." whether I meant that or not. And maybe that's what I should have said. But, as I told her at the time, "If I tell you the truth now, then when you ask me another question down the line like, 'Am I fat?' I can say, 'not at all, sweetheart. You're beautiful." and you'll know I mean it. I chose to keep my credibility rather than telling her what she wanted to hear. On the one hand, my total honesty (some might say lack of tact) was probably one of the myriad reasons we split up. On the other hand, at least I can look back and say that I never lied to her. Was it worth it? Hard to say.

Speaking of break-ups, one of the times when people lie the most is when they're breaking up with or rejecting someone. They feel bad enough about the whole thing already and try their best to spare the other person's feelings, even if that means giving them some false reason for the decision rather than telling them the truth. But is that wrong? Personally, I've always said that I'd rather have a girl tell me, "you're ugly and annoying and I don't like you," than give me the old standby, "I don't want to date anybody right now" (translation: I don't want to date you. Ever.) or some other made-up excuse. That's just me though. I can't claim to speak for everyone. Some people might prefer to have their feelings spared. I was actually discussing this subject with a friend the other day and she wondered if maybe it isn't best to sugar coat things sometimes. And it's definitely a logical point. Unless you have some sort of grudge, nobody wants to hurt another person unneccessarily. Why tell a person your real reason for not wanting to date them, she wondered, if it's not something wrong with them or something they can change? What purpose does it serve? My answer was that it doesn't need to serve a purpose. Honesty is intrinsically good. It's right and good to be honest with someone regardless of what it accomplishes. Sure, it may save someone a few self-esteem points to tell them a lie or half-truth, but rejection hurts regardless and at least they won't lie awake in bed at night wondering what went wrong or if they have a chance in the future if you tell the truth. In fact, I'd go out on a limb and say that, when you lie to someone in a break-up or rejection, you're really worried more about your own feelings than theirs. You want to feel less mean and not seem like the bad guy. And I don't mean just girls. They probably get more chance to practice since they get asked out more, but I gave a girl a half-truth once myself in my younger, stupider years. In that case, like most I've seen, all it did was cause more problems and we went from being good friends to not on speaking terms anymore in a matter of months. If I'd been completely, brutally honest, I may have hurt her feelings, but maybe I'd still have her as a friend.

So there you have it. If you're protecting government secrets from the Iranians, by all means lie your butt off, but otherwise, what's the point? If we can't be honest with each other, why even bother communicating? That's my take on things at least. I know it's not exactly ground-breaking (So you mean lying is bad??? Wow!), but maybe it's a bit thought-provoking at least. The way I see it, honesty is, in fact, the best policy.

7 comments:

the Orrs said...

Ever since that conversation, I've been seeing how my policy - tell people only what I think they need to know - plays out in other areas of my life. I do this more than I realized; total honesty in some situations can be really harsh. I do think there's something to be said for omission. People don't always need the whole truth.

Break-ups are a different beast. When you're the rejector, you likely want to say as little as possible, spare that person's feelings as much as possible, and get it over with. If you're the rejected, the question of Why? can practicly consume you until it's answered. Personally, if a guy doesn't want to date me because he thinks I'm ugly (or for some other equally hurtful reason), I don't want to hear it. He can just keep that to himself, thanks. But I've talked to enough guys about this issue to know that THEY prefer complete and total honesty when a girl breaks up with them. So I'm going to keep them in mind - happy now? ;)

Elizabeth said...

I totally agree with you. I prefer total honesty (of coures my issues with lying men and people in general have a deeper root but that's another blog topic hehe). Look at how well He's Just Not Into You has done in book sales. It's a fabulous book that just proves how much everyone (no matter what they may say) wants to hear the truth!

Orr & Associates said...

As far as the break-up issue is concerned, honesty is absolutely better. I'd rather someone genuinely tell me that she doesn't want to date me than to come up with some type of excuse/justification that leaves me wondering. Closure can be a very good thing.

As far as your first point, well, that is a tough one. Maybe women shouldn't be allowed to ask questions like "do you like my haircut?" or "does this make me look fat?" Then, we wouldn't be so tempted to lie.

the Orrs said...

When a girl asks a guy, Am I fat? or Do you like my outfit? there are right and wrong answers as opposed to true and false ones ;) Truth has consequences. Yes, you could tell her that her outfit is ugly, but what does that accomplish? 1. she's upset 2. you're in the doghouse.

But, you say, you want her to trust you. Well, I can tell you that she's not sitting there thinking, "Wow, I'm glad I have such an honest mate." Instead she's thinking you're a jerk. So being honest to preserve your character in these cases does not work.

I should write a book.

Sam said...

It may not work at the moment, Jen, but I think it does work in the long run. Maybe at the time she's thinking, "what a jerk," but eventually she'll realize that you have a deeper commitment to honesty than you do to making her happy for a moment. And as I said, she'll know that when I do say things, I mean them. Girls are smart. Generally, you can tell when a guy is lying to you and if I were to say, "no...that outfit looks absolutely perfect on you" when it was obvious that I didn't think so, a girl might appreciate it at the time, but, eventually stuff like that piles up and it's going to hurt my credibility. If I lie about stuff like that, who's to say I'm not lying when I tell her that I love her or that I'm not cheating? They're the same to me. Lying is lying in all cases just like sin is always sin. Justifying it by saying I was just bending the truth or telling her what she wants to hear doesn't change the fact that I've just sold out my credibility to stay out of the dog house as you put it.

Jamie said...

I agree with Sam, I'd rather have the straight forward truth than something thats going to leave me thinking, oh wow, I dont know what that means exactly. If theres a problem, or someone doesnt like me or does even, tell me right out front and let me decide. I would hate to leave someone hanging and think that I was sugar coating, when in fact I really delt a blow to their confidence in general. As for telling a girl shes fat or not, I'm with Jamie on that one, girls shouldnt be allowed to ask those questions until they're safely in the confines of marriage and you have to pay to break up.

Elizabeth said...

Yeah if I ask if I look bad in something, you'd better tell me, but do so in a loving way. Because I find out you told me I look fine and I really don't boy will you be in trouble haha